when i was grinding some coffee in my office the other day, the smell of fresh coffee filled the air and started to soak into my skin. for a second i was annoyed and thought about how i’d be like a caffeine addicted pigpen, walking around with a cloud of coffee fumes surrounding me and dragging my burlap coffee sack behind me. but then i realized how happen that made me and how much i couldn’t care less if i reaked of coffee for the rest of the day. i dug my hands into the beans and hoped someone would comment later as i shook their hand.

anyway, it got me to thinking about should’s and could’s as they relate to work. personally, i can’t think of anything much better than owning and working at my own coffee shop. i know i’ve romanticized the coffee scene a bit much.. but i’m pretty sure i’d love it. i think i’d still say that my favorite job so far was working for the uptown bakery. the smell, the food, the people.. it was too much fun, really. and i know it doesn’t really count since it was in the summer but i never got bogged down with questions about purpose or responsibility or missions.. i really just “was” at the shop.

if anything can break me out of this rut, maybe coffee can ;)

get it? that’s punny! ;)

ok.. to put it right out there, i feel pretty damn lost right now. i’ve been in something tailspin for months.. between taking on more and more obligations while, at the same time, feeling like i’m struggling to motivate myself.

i’m excited about what i’m doing.. don’t get me wrong. but i can’t help looking around the corner at what might be coming down the road. is it in gis? is it programming? or maybe it’s something entirely different: back to environmental work, writing, medicine, law..? it’s hard to say. it’s as though i’m in the horse latitudes again – no winds are blowing me towards any harbor. i’ve been throwing my sanity overboard just to keep things moving.

in the meantime, i’ve filled up the rest of my weeks with whatever i can: soccer, climbing, drinking, working, volunteering. and suddenly it’s november.

strange day when you realize that you’re running from something.

started off with promise but two-thirds of the way through it quickly lost steam. there were hints that the books would disappoint early, like the all too easy dismissal of suicide, but i was still holding out hope. nonetheless, it ended up leaving me with the feeling that the author was frustrated by his own inability to grasp a good explanation or justification for continuing on and thinking as he had.

if you need to burn a couple hours, go for it. otherwise, i’d say slightly disappointing. given that it was a random pick off the shelf, though, i can’t be too surprised.

is it too late to try to redefine yourself? recently, nothing could sound better than a ten-stop, year-long ticket.

i’m twenty-four, right. should i really be so stuck up in saving, budgeting, planning, and being/feeling responsible? what do i want to be doing right now? am i listening at all to what i want to be doing versus what i should be doing?

i’m getting a little tired of budgeting and stressing about responsibilities that don’t apply for twenty years from now. for now, all i can do is try to be more honest with myself and with others and hope something comes of it.

..like a ticket ;)